I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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