Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
