Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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