i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
