My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
