i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
