$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
