His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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