highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize