i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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