I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
