i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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