There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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