Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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