i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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