I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
