how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
