Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
