Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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