apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize