He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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