I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
