fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
