If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
