how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I need moral support for this bender
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
