god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
