I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
COCAINE IS GR8
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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