he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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