Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
