no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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