i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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