dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
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