life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
