You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
