i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
