Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
