So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
