3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
