I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
