ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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