dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
