you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm really busy with my period
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