i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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