Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
