i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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