I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
