You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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