Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
