Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
