my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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