I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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