I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
