whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
the condom got lost in my hair
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
