Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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