What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
