Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
