Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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