We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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