I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
