I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
