Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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