Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize