gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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